Life's Big Hurdles

We've had a lot going on here in our Casa lately. A lot of big life events. Those things that we can't run from, we have to do, but it's not a whole heck of a lot of fun.

First of all Wee Bit had his 4 month check up. He's growing well. He's 13lbs 4 oucnes, which is only a pound more than he was at 2 months. He's slowed down finally, I thought he would be huge. I don't remember how tall he was, DRAT! I need to find the paper. Of course we had to do shots, which I hate just as much as the kids I'm sure. Malachi is so sweet. He didn't want to take Enick because he didn't want him to cry. He really loves his brother and has gotten very protective. It made me tear up to see him nearly cry when I said it was time for Enicks check up.

Secondly I went to the Dentist. I haven't been for 10 years or more. I mean other htan for two emergencies. The damage is extensive. I have 1 root canal and crown, 1 possible root canal and crown, two fillings, and some procedure where they fix an existing root canal and crown. The total is a little over 3K, After the insurance pays. I'm so mad at myself for not going sooner and avoiding the root canals. But I'm scared to death of dentists and doctors, so it's hard to convince myself to get there. I go Thursday to get things started. I'm getting the root canal fixed, and then I'll get a crown, since it's a HUGE hole in my tooth and it bothers a lot. Then I'll get the second root canal done, and wait until my insurance resets itself so we don't have to pay so much out of pocket. What a pain, literally.

Third, we have been potty training Yoda. WE started Saturday. We use Hot wheels as the incentive. He has done really well. The first day he went pee pee like every ten minutes, just because he got a car every time. We ran out of cars and had to go back to the store. Luckily we found them for 62 cents a piece so we stocked up. The last two days we've had a few accidents, and a few fits becuase he does not always want to stop playing to go. He no longer gets a car every time he goes, he gets 2 stickers and then a car. It's cut down on the frequent peeing, and also on the motivation I'm afraid. There is no looking back though, we have done this. It makes me feel good. I was sort of afraid that he would be in diapers for life. Now I know that I will be able to put him in preschool, and allow him to do other big kid activities without the diapers being and issue. I thought I would about puke when I had to clean up the messes that he made. LIke today he did his poo in his underwear. It wasn't as bad as anticipated though, I made it through. I really hope that he gets totally trained within a few weeks, and we don't drag this out like some people do. He's no longer my baby, how bittersweet.

Rice Cereal and Caffiene

Well this was the weekend. My baby boy started solids. Well sort of solids. More of a milky rice substance. But still, more than what he usually eats. He seemed to enjoy the act of eating, if not the food itself. I think maybe it was just the attention that he enjoyed. Because he giggled between spoonfuls. But then he grimaced when the food entered his mouth. All in all a good experience. We forgot to put a bib on him though. DUH! I think I just got to excited to try something new. Plus I was in the middle of eating my own dinner and there were just too many things going on. I think I used to forget the bib with Malachi all the time too. Which is probably why we own no hand me down 3-6 month clothes. They are all stained up due to the starting of solids. Oh well. Here is a pick of my big boy.



In other news. I had caffiene today. It was the first time in 4 months that I have had some. Let me tell you, the best COKE I have ever had!! Oh it was yummy. From Sonic. And I was flying high. I've had soda's my whole life. I was an avid Pepsi drinker early on, and would be known to have 3 or 4 cokes by day's end. Really bad, I know. People would talk about Caffiene high's and frankly I had no clue what they were talking about. My body was so used to the caffiene that it didn't get the same reaction. So this was the first time I've ever experienced the magic that is a caffiene rush. It was great, except for when I started shaking from overload. That was not so cool. All in all I think I'll be able to stay away from the good stuff again now tht I"ve had my fix. At least for another couple months.

Introducing My Boys

I guess I haven't formally introduced my boy's. So here goes.
The newest addition to the family is Wee-Bit. I don't like to use real names because I'm slightly paranoid. I don't want to wonder everytime a strange car drives by if they are here looking for me from my blogs or other websites. So anyway, Wee-Bit, also refered to as E is 4 months old. He was born March 25th and is a very loud, active little guy. He's always "talking" or yelling in baby talk. He already rolls front to back, and back to front Although his prefered method of moving is yelling until I go and roll him over or pick him up. He likes to try and stand and I wouldn't be surprised if we had a walker before we even have a crawler. He loves his brother and they already play wrestling, which involves me putting Wee-bit on big brother and yelling squish!! Big brother gets a kick out of it. I'll be starting Wee-Bit on Solids, yummy rice cereal, this week. He already shows a lot of interest in eating when we eat. We will see how it goes. As our neighbor stated, he's going to be dissapointed in rice cereal when he's used to trying to grab for steak and potatoes. I'm going to try and make his food this time around instead of buying it in the store. Wish me luck!
Yoda, also referred to as M will be three years old next month. He's always been such a sweet little boy. He's very calm and wel behaved. Something I attribute to the personality that he was born with, and not so much to my parenting skills. He's very clingy and I don't so much as pee without him present. He say's the darndest things, most of the time I don't even know where he gets them. He loves his little brother. At first he wasn't se keen and he still gets jealous a lot. If I pick up Wee-bit suddenly Yoda needs something. Even if he was perfectly content right before hand. Oh, and we call him Yoda because he always talks backwards. He will say, Good at this am I? It's so funny. Were currently trying to potty train, but it's not going so well. He thinks hat you pee and then you sit on the potty, which doesn't sit well with me, or the carpets for that matter. But at least were trying. Yoda has his first best friend a little boy who lives just down the street. He's a very sweet little boy, with great parents, just the sort of kid I want Malachi playing with. We all love our evenings outside playing. This little boy has introduced Yoda to Batman, Superman and other superhero's. Hence the mask;
All in all were a happy family. I'm blessed to have two cute little boys(I'm a bit biased on the cute part) We have a lot of fun together. I often wonder how I was blessed with boys. I hate the outside, while I like to watch sports, I'm not althletically inclined, and bugs or any other creepy crawly things freak me out. But I guess that is what makes life such a rollercoaster, and this is one coaster that I don't want to ever end.

SAHM Vs. WOHM

I posted the "Time" rant on a mothers board that I am on and somehow it turned into a full on war about who has it harder, a SAHM or a WOHM. Here are my thoughts on the subject.The SAHM/WOHM debate is an age old one that gets really heated. I don't think there is a clear cut answer or winner to this debate, which is why it keeps coming up. Frankly very few of us have it "easier" we just have it different. It's really an injustice to women that within our choice to work or stay at home we are facing criticism and obstacles from the opposite view. Many mothers have to work to support thier family because one salary just doesn't cut it, especially not these days. But at the same time, many mom's choose to stay home, even if it means living at darn near poverty levels to do so.SAHM's I feel often feel like we are not looked at as accomplished, contributing members of society. Were slammed with "Fight against the glass ceiling" "Be Independent" "Feminist Power" arguments. I feel like I've lost my knack to communicate with others who are not toddlers or younger. I miss out on using my mind for struggles that can be solved without the use of time out or spankings(another good debate) I fear when I go back to work. How am I going to do that. Will I even have the skills needed to be in a work environment again? Who will hire someone who has stayed home for so long? And for the time being I feel guilty because with mounting debt I am not doing anything to help bring money in. I live day after day doing the same thing, having the same challenges, trying to raise children who will be well rounded while contstantly fighting against my inner struggles as well. The repetitivness of it is exhausting, the energy needed to run after a child all day is impossible to obtain, and the drained feeling a lot of us feel is miserable.WOTH mom's are seriously pushed to thier limits. In America were only given 6 to 8 weeks of maternity leave, and that's if were lucky. So many of us return to work in tears because were missing out on the milestones, the giggles, the sweetness of our babies at home. While at work were faced with arguments that a women should raise her own children, and not have them just to send them away to be raised by someone else. And even in the workplace were still struggling against equality to men leaving a working woman constantly pushing to be better, to reach a comfotable level of accomplishment. And then were made to come home, to prepare dinner, and clean up, help with homework, play games, on and on and on, only to do it again the next day. It's not fair and it's not easy.Both sides have great arguments as to why thier lives are harder. I think many of the arguments, and the reason for being defensive in thier arguments stem from the insecurities each of us feel in whatever position we are in. If we could all come together and appreciate each other for what were worth. If the government would get their heads out of the ground and support parents more, somehow. If we had enough money to make going to work a choice we make not out of need but out of preference then maybe the argument will be quelched. But until then it will rage on, and sadly so, because in the end were all mothers just trying to do the best thing for our families.

Pet Peeve "TIME"

I'm a mother of two boys. One is nearly 3, but you'll see me refer to him as already being 3. The other is just 4 months old. I have a large house, that gets dirty and dusty and gross. FAST! Just think, meals in the kitchen, dirty dishes, dirty diapers, spit up EVERYWHERE, TOYS, TOYS, TOYS! It's hard to keep up with.Then there is the yard, weeds to pull, lawn to be mowed. Grocery shopping, meal planning, budgeting.We live far away from the family, so calls have to be made. They usually last an 30 minutes or more. After all you don't want to hang up right away, even if the laundry pile threatens to squash your newborn.A husband to talk to, to listen to, to show how much I love.And somewhere in there, is me. My needs, my wants. And honestly I'm a selfish person who has many needs and wants.I feel like I do everything halfway. This last week I started a lot of things. I did half a workout, it was fun, I wish I could have finished.I started to paint a train on M's wall. It has wheels, and that's as far as I've gotten. I need to have time to be creative to make it look nice. But when will that be.I've started trying to cook from Rachael Ray's cookbook. I have done two meals, but I'm already tired of that. It takes a while to read and prepare and do things I"m not accustomed to.The laundry is in piles on the bed. Half of E's 0-3 month clothes are in a box to be stored, or sold, or something.... But the other half are in his crib and on the floor.E gets my attention for 5 minutes here, 5 there, M is fit in somewhere between there.NOTHING gets done completely. It's like I"m a human tug rope.And yet, I sit and listen to a friend. A friend who has no children. Doesn't work in the summer time and as far as I'm concerned has all the time in the world. And yet all she does is complain about how much she has to to, and how little time she has to do it in. I don't get it, no time? Really? It makes me want to scream when she yawns and say's she's just so groggy because she OVERSLEPT! I like to compare it to complaining about the 5 course meal she just had to someone who is starving. And the kicker is that the only thing she talks about more than being exhausted is about how much she wants kids. What a rude awakening that will be. So, I'm upset about people who have plenty of time complaing that they don't have enough. I don't even have time to pee by myself without singng a song or fixing a toy for my 3 year old. I think if people learned to manage their time more instead of just complaining about it then life wouldn't be so hard.So now I'm going to do something useful so later today I'm not complaining that I didn't have time to do something.

Vowing to Be More Thankful

I wake up most mornings, hoping for a new start. Hoping that the stress of the previous day, the yelling the fits, the boredom will be better. Sometimes it starts well. My 3 year old cooperates. He doesn't ask for a popscicle the first five minutes that he is awake. Doesn't insist on squishing his brother, or watching something that I can't magically make come on the television. Then the afternoon comes, nap refused again, bad mood. And by dinner time I'm ready to give my kids up for adoption. My poor husband comes home to a mess. M is crying incoherently, E is yelling in baby yells, dinner is half done, if even that much and I'm ticked off. I stay up at night wondering what I'm doing wrong. Knowing that I lost my patience way too easily and shouldn't have yelled. I watch M sleeping, wondering if he even likes me anymore, promising to do better the next day. It's hard, I think sometimes I should just go to work and take the kids to daycare. We would probably all be better off. But then I talked to an old friend today. She and her husband have been trying to have children for the last year. She is currently sterile because of high glucose levels. She really wants children, and frankly she's the sort of person who was born to be a mother. Who would love her chidlren endlessly, rarely loose her cool and win mother of the year awards all the time. It's not fair. Why her? In a world where people are leaving thier just born infants at Jack in the Box. So I've vowed to be more thankful for my children. They are just children, they don't mean to stress me out. They don't know that if I play with them nonstop Iwon't get the cleaning done. And what does the cleaning matter anyway. I'm sure many people out there would give thier left arm to be able to play all day. I won't say it's going to work and life is going to be smooth from now on. But hopefully I can come back and read this when I need to and remember how truly blessed I really am. Even at dinnertime when things seem the worst.

Strange Dreams

I guess I have a sleep disorder. I've had it all my life. It's more of a dream disorder maybe. I don't even know how to explain it. There is something in your body that stops your body from moving during dreams soo that you don't hurt yourselves. People who sleepwalk or have night terrors don't produce enough of this chemical I suppose. The problem with me is I have too much of that sometimes. So when I'm ready to wake up, my brain wakes up, but I can't move my body. I know, it sounds wierd. It's really scary though. I have really realistic dreams, often times they are scary. The dream itself can be frightening, but when I realize that I'm dreaming and I want to wake up, but I can't, well that's really really disturbing. I want to get away from whoever is chasing me, or whatever is bothering me, but I can't wake up. It's almost like I lift out of my body and can see myself dreaming. I try to move my body, to wiggle my fingers, but I'm jsut stuck. It's this fierce power struggle, with myself just to wake up. And eventually I do wake up, but my body is really tired from the fight to revive, and I often fall back asleep involuntarily. Then go through the whole process again. This is what happened this Sunday afternoon. It was really hot, 104F. I've noticed I have these dreams the most when it's hot. The heat knocked us off our feet, all of us. My two boys took a nap, at the same time, which is a miracle. So Dh and I laid on the couch and drifted off. I had one of these episodes, so I didn't wake up very refreshed at all. M played with the nieghbor a little bit. We picked up some pictures at Sears. Nothing really exciting. Maybe next week I'll get a good nap. Or have a more exciting weekend. We can always hope.

The Crash

A Jumbo Jet, huge, flying off course, loosing control and slamming straight into WAL-MART!! That was my diet yesterday, my debt diet. I intended to be good, not to buy anything not on my list. And guess what, I really didn't. With a few exceptions, totally maybe 12 bucks total. But that was it, and they were things that should have been on the list. And yet, I came out of there 254 dollars poorer. More than double my goal. WOW! It was like someone somewhere jacked up the prices of everything, just to mock me. They did a good job. And just before that I went to a garage sale. That was really cool. I bought 10 pairs of jeans for myself and two pants and a shirt for DH. All for 14 bucks. I was way proud. But alas, we have no money for the week because I spent so much at Wal-Mart. Now I have to try to stretch our groceries into next week, and then maybe my goal of 120 per week will be met. Oye Vay.

The Debt Diet

So I'm on a diet. The debt diet. I saw it on Oprah. I'm forever striving to be better, and finances are one place that I really fall short. I'm a money spender, big time. I took the little quiz on her website and found out that I'm the worst kind of spender, I'm a compulsive spender. I buy things really for no reason other than having them. I'm constantly thinking of new things I want. And when I'm shopping I can't help myself. I grab for things here and there and walk out of the store with a WEEKLY shopping bill of $200. That's insane, were a three person family. The thing is I get nervous, I get this hot flushed feeling, and suddenly I'm thinking, "What else can I buy?" It's wierd, it's like an evil spirit takes over my body. And in reality I suppose it is an evil spirit because being a gluton is a sin. So here I am trying to be better. I made a shopping list today and I hope to stick to it tomorrow. I don't want to spend more than say $120. And I won't buy things that I don't need. No clothes, no toys for the kids, no make-up or girly things. Then, and here's the big one. I won't spend more than $25 dollars next week. You see I have this internal fight going on. I got my best friends son a firetruck for his birthday. It's cute and everything, I think Chi would love it. Shipping is going to be pretty high though, and a pain to find a box and all. Plus I bet he(the birthday boy) would benifit a lot more from clothes. Not a fun gift, but practicality has it's pluses. So I might go and get him some clothes and keep the firetruck for Chi. That will be where my 25 bucks gets spent. But then no more. So I guess I should set some goals for myself. Here they are; 1) Limit weekly spending. Cutting it off completly won't work because lets face it, I'm not that good. So maybe 20 bucks a week and that's it. 2) Put $20 aside each week for presents, that way I'm not in the quandry I am this week. Then when Christmas comes along I'll have gift money and won't have to resort to credit cards. 3) Eat at home, lunches included. Maybe eating out for lunch once a week is okay. 4) Remember to shut off lights and turn off the water and things of that nature to save money on bills. 5) Stay home more. It will help with the gas bill 6) Cut out projects. They are fun, Ilove them. But they suck up a big chunk of money. I think I spent $50 or more on paint last week for Boy #1's room. I'm going for a few things in this quest. 1) Pay off bills. No more credit cards, no more loans, no more car payment or student loan. And then attack the huge mortgage we have. 2) Set aside money for taxes so we don't dip into savings 3) Put more in savings 4) Teach my son that we don't need material things to be happy or entertained. 5) Have a more profitable future So that's itt in a nutshell. Let's see how much I can cut the fat.

Really, ME, an ADULT

It occured to me today. I'm an adult. I'm responsible for other people. I don't know why I got to thinking this way. It was as though I was 10 years old again, daydreaming about what life would be like when I grew up. But when I came out of my daydream I realized. I am not 10, I am 26. I have children and a house and a husband. Me, in my 5 feet tall body, with my little kid features. It's scary. I wonder now if my mom ever felt this way. If she ever sat up and said, this is scary I'm in charge here. I'm sure she did. She after all was a single mom with no help. And I was a demanding child, my brother even more so. So she probably felt this way, and I was no help, sitting there complaining that I was hungry when there were little groceries in the house. Waiting for her to do her motherly magic and find something good for me to eat. And here I am now. Trying to find something for my son to eat. Creating meals that are not too icky, not to hard to make, when I would love nothing more than just to sit on the couch and wait for someone else to do it. But I can't do that, because it is now I who must be the magic mom. I remember something else. When I was in the third grade I was sliding on the playground. I looked out over the slide, it was one of those high curly ones. And I looked down from it and there was a shadow. It was my shadow of course, but not the shadow of that third grade little girl. My shadow looked older. My hair was longer. It was, I decided that day, a shadow of what I would be, how I would look when I was a grownup. When I was in my twenties. And here I am, the shadow, in real life. I wonder if I went outside if I could switch, and make the shadow of a little girl again? I guess not. So I will just have to get a grip on this reality, this thing that occured to me today. I am an adult, no longer being cared for by others who were older. It's hard to give up. But I will try my best to be the caretaker and stop thinking silly childish thoughts.